A matter of faith
by Aurorawhisperwind
Summary: Rukia had never really believed in god *One shot. IchiRuki suggestions, slight spoilers for the soul society arc*


**Aurora Whisperwind:** Well, here's a one-shot from me… kind of different from what I usually write. I'm personally quite proud of it; but please let me know what you guys think.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.

* * *

Rukia had never really believed in god.

Growing up in one of the worst districts of Rukongai; a defenseless child amidst desperate adults, there wasn't much opportunity to thank god for her all her blessings. All she could think of was where her next meal was coming from.

When she met Renji and the gang and life became a little easier and the odds of their survival greater; she felt like she belonged somewhere. She learnt how to laugh, to loosen up a little, to hope a little and to dream a little. Although the nagging doubt gnawed at her occasionally; would they all still be alive by the end of the next day?

And one day the doubt was proved right. When the day came where it was just her and Renji, and all the others were just unnamed graves; she learnt that if she were to survive, she needed to get past the precious white walls of the Seiretei and for that, she needed to become a Shinigami.

When the clan leader of the four noble families offered to adopt her, thereby tearing her from everything and everyone she had known and the one person she had thought would say something to suggest he cared didn't, she learnt to cry. As a member of a noble family, ignored by others and watching Renji make new friends, she learnt to hide her loneliness under an emotionless mask.

When she met her Kaien-dono for the first time, she learnt that no matter what family she belonged to now, she was still an ordinary person. And when he offered her friendship, she learnt how to be grateful.

When he was fighting a losing battle and there was nothing she could do to help him, she learnt to feel hopelessness.

When he changed completely into a monster and aimed his sword at her, she learnt to fear. And when she didn't die and instead he was in her arms, thanking her for killing him and freeing him from his ordeal, she learnt what it was like to be torn apart with guilt. That she didn't deserve his gratitude, she had been only saving herself.

And then there was nothing. As she dragged his body to his family and watched his horrified brother and sister weep, she felt nothing. Just a deadening of nerve ends. And now her heart as well as her face was cold, devoid of any feeling.

Only it didn't stay that way. With a kick to the head, a mere boy tore through decades of detachment. When she dove in front of him to save him from a hollow, she learnt to be reckless again. And when she gave him her Shinigami powers and watched him destroy the hollow in a matter of seconds, she learnt to be in awe of someone she just couldn't understand.

When she coolly considered the reasons for his mother's death and watched him explode in rage, she had been startled for a minute. As she analyzed their conversation later, she felt like a fool for speaking so insensitively, she had forgotten that the dead woman had been his mother, and someone he cared about deeply. But what had hurt most was the haunted look in his eyes as he blamed himself, and that until he chose to confide in her, she could not comfort him.

When he screamed at her not to interfere as he fought a hollow which had eluded the Shinigami for decades, she fought to keep control, to avoid slipping into the past. For yet again, she was stuck in a battle where she couldn't help someone she suddenly started to care about. When he ended up in her arms, thankfully still breathing, she poured out all she had to heal him as best as she could. Then she thanked him for not making her nightmares come true. Deep down though, she knew that her time with him was running out.

Leaving without saying goodbye had been painful, but what was excruciating was watching him stand up to two Shinigami far beyond his level, and it was all for her. She watched in numbed amazement as he overcame Renji, forgetting momentarily that Kuchiki Byakuya was also present. She should have stopped him, done anything, but she was powerless before this boy's incredible strength of will.

Hysterical at the thought that he was dead, that he was dead and she could do nothing when her brother slashed at him mercilessly, she had forgotten herself, nothing was more important than reaching his side.

When he opened his eyes and struggled to speak, she was overcome with relief. She knew the only way to persuade her brother to let him live now was to surrender; and she did, steeling herself against his accusing gaze. Trying to hide the ache in her heart that poured out anyways, she walked into the gate, her last memory of him being the bewilderment and misery in his eyes.

When Renji told her that he would be escorting her to the shrine of repentance in preparation for her execution, she hadn't cared. She was willing to die; there was nothing and no one she wanted to live for. It was her fault that another innocent person had died; she had snatched away another important person from that family. Even if he had managed to survive that night, he was bound to hate her for all the suffering she had caused him.

As she gazed unseeingly at the Sou kyoku, she felt a strange sense of calm. Yes, this was how it should be; her death would be a perfect atonement for all her sins. Renji ruined it all by revealing to her that a bunch of Ryoka had invaded Seiretei and that an orange haired Shinigami was one among them.

All this time, Rukia had never let anyone share her burden in the misguided belief that she could bear it all alone, that no one need be bothered as she was not important enough to anyone. But they were fighting against seemingly intractable forces for her. Her life had to be worth saving, there were people who cared.

And so she prayed to a god she had never really believed in; entreated with all her heart to keep all of them safe.

* * *

Too angsty? Too sappy and corny? I think Rukia was this incredibly guilty person, always blaming herself for stuff she didn't do... so I framed the story likewise.

Please read and review.


End file.
